A long time ago when the internet was still a place mostly used for nerds to debate dumb things (wait a minute…) I got my first writing gig for the website Showstoppa.com (which is now just a placeholder site for someone squatting on the domain…you can guess how it went). I was in charge of writing recaps each week for Monday Night RAW. I was meticulous in the detail I used to recap each move of the match while making some snarky comments here and there.
Needless to say that after awhile I got a bit sick of writing every little thing that happened in every match. I do, however, miss dropping some fun observations that I see when I’m watching RAW. You probably won’t see this EVERY week, but since it’s a special 3-hour RAW where the FANS get to decide things (and you haven’t seen stupid till you meet some of the more crazy WWE fans) I decided to do a little recap of the festivities…
Opening Segment – CM Punk is Awesome
-We open the show and there’s a very well done “Power to the People” graphic which makes me think that maybe Stone Cold didn’t just plan this on a whim last week. DON’T LIE TO ME WWE! I KNOW YOU’RE TRICKING ME!
-Guy with “Cole’s Tattoos Suck” sign in the crowd. You have it partially right. His commentary also sucks….just saying.
-Booker T has the balls to mention hanging with the “President” last night which I assume means the awful Obama impersonator they had on the PPV. Can we please cut the shit? HE WASN’T THE FUCKING PRESIDENT AND IT’S NOT FUNNY!
-Apparently Power to the People only applies if you have a cell phone because you’ll have to text in your votes. Unfortunately I didn’t watch this live so I was unable to impart my opinion.
-CM Punk comes out and immediately shows why he’s the best wrestler AND can cut the best promo in the business (he even says it!) and demands to be the #1 contender for the WWE Championship on the back of his wins vs. John Cena and Rey Mysterio last week. Punk decides to have a sit-in until the RAW GM makes him the #1 contender for the Money in the Bank PPV. The RAW GM then threatens Punk (via e-mail) and tells him to leave the ring. After he doesn’t the GM says he would have been number one contender, but after being a dick he has to fight a triple threat match later vs. Alberto Del Rio and Rey Mysterio. That should be fun.
-Our first Power to the People match is announced and it’s a Divas Championship match…yay? We can vote for Eve, Kelly Kelly, or Beth Phoenix. After they show the King texting (Droid user btw…HA!) he says, “There’s not a bad choice in the bunch.” Apparently he didn’t see Eve in there.
Divas Championship Match – Brie Bella (c) vs. ???????
-In a shocking (re:not) development the WWE Universe picked the hottest chick, Kelly Kelly, to fight for the title.
-Kelly Kelly looks like she’s spent the entire day in the tanning bed as I was unaware that that shade of skin existed outside of the Jersey Shore.
-Lots of Diva action, which means some hair pulling, a couple of kicks and some screaming, ends with Kelly Kelly winning the Divas title on a roll up.
Winner and NEW Divas Champion: Kelly Kelly
-Post match the King randomly decides to walk into the ring and interview Kelly Kelly who is crying and says, this truly demonstrates “Power to the People.” Yep, this is exactly what our forefathers envisioned when they empowered the people of this country.
-Cole tells me to set my DVR (I’M WATCHING IT ON DVR ALREADY! SO META!) as an Evan Bourne hype video plays. Apparently we get to choose his opponent tonight. The choices? Jack Swagger (sigh), Mason Ryan (um…ok), and Sin Cara. Wonder which one WWE fans are going to pick (*cough*Sin Cara*cough*)
Evan Bourne vs. ?????
-Time to find out Evan’s opponent and it’s…Mason Ryan?!?! Really? This may be the weirdest vote we get all night.
-Have to give +1 for the crowd for the “Batista” chant during this match. Fantastic.
-Standard “big man vs. small man” action ends with Mason Ryan winning after hitting “Big Man Slam #346″
Winner: Welsh Batista
-They promote the next vote for the people and this time it’s the stipulation for Kane vs. Mark Henry. You want to know the “great” choices we have? Bodyslam Match, Arm Wrestling Match, Over the Top Rope Match. WTF? I really hope they pick Bodyslam Match just so I can watch that shit show.
-Next week is RAW ROULETTE FROM VEGAS! ANOTHER GIMMICK RAW!! WHEEEEEE!!
Kane vs. Mark Henry
-Mark Henry comes out first and gives his standard, “Heel Mark Henry I’m a Badass now” promo. Two months from now he’ll be the “face dancing sexual chocolate Mark Henry.” He ends the promo with “Somebody’s gonna get their ass kicked.” JUST LIKE HIS ENTRANCE SONG!!! OMG!!1!1!!
-Before Kane comes out they reveal the stipulation picked by the people and it’s….an Arm Wrestling Match. Unless Sly Stallone is coming out dressed as Lincoln Hawk, this is going to suck.
-Are WWE Refs briefed in the intricate rules of arm wrestling?
-Mark Henry pulls out of the grasp twice in a row. GET OUT THE STRAP!!! (Over the Top reference #2)
-Kane pulls out of the grip next. Crowd is starting to turn on this…
-After the most amazing arm wrestling stalemate EVAR! Mark Henry saves us all by punching Kane in the face and ending this farce. He then proceeds to beat the shit out of the Big Red Machine and hit him with the arm wrestling table. MONSTER HEEL PUSH FOR MARK HENRY! The fans go…apathetic.
-Big man ends the segment by slamming Kane through the announce table as the announcers go “OMG THIS IS SO SERIOUS” silent. Says Mark Henry, “Let him suffer like I suffer!” You do not know his inner-pain people. Did you see that sweater?
-From one crazy guy to another. Replays of R-Truth hitting Cena with the WATER BOTTLE OF DOOM last week are played. Apparently Truth is going to do an interview. Shit is about to get awesome.
R-Truth is CRAZY Segment
-Truth comes out to no music and rambles to himself as he walks down the ramp. I’m pretty sure he’s not happy about that kid throwing what must have been magic acid water on him last night (causing him to lose the WWE Title match to John Cena).
-Truth describes how he talks to himself and admonishes the crowd for doing the “What” chant. He then says he got “okie-doked” by Little Jimmy. This man is a treasure.
-After Truth mentions “conspiracy” for the 10th time in this 3 minute promo, Christian’s music hits and he comes out to join in the fun.
-Christian basically blames the people, Teddy Long, and the refs for his horrible luck as of late. Then he shows evidence that his foot was under the rope as Randy Orton was pinning him last night. I was screaming this at the TV during the PPV. King says, “It may not be fair but the ref’s decision is final.” If Christian were a face he’d be screaming like it was the worst injustice ever!
-Truth gets back into it with the whole “Good R-Truth” stuff and just when I thought this segment couldn’t get anymore amazing…The Miz comes out. MY GOD REALLY!?!?
-Miz comes out with the “Really’s” and I’m pretty much already putting this in for RAW segment of the year.
-Miz joins in on the “complain off” by saying Alex Riley got a win handed to him last night. Christian then invalidates his bitching by saying it wasn’t in a title match. Fans chant “awesome.” My thoughts exactly. If CM Punk and Alberto Del Rio come out I’m going to lose my shit.
-Now they all start doing the really’s to each other! They then start shouting out random names until R-Truth starts shouting Jimmy. Teddy Long then decides that I’ve had enough fun and comes out to ruin this spectacular segment.
-Teddy then announces that all three of them will be in a six-man tag match vs. Alex Riley, Randy Orton and John Cena. Stipulation to be picked by the fans. Cena’s name gets booed loudly by the way. He’s the number one face in the company. Thought I’d mention that.
-Our next match will be a US Title Match between Dolph Ziggler and Kofi Kingston. Stips for the fans to vote on? 2 of 3 falls, Vickie banned from ringside, Submission. Two of those matches sound awesome. One sounds like a normal match without a ringside manager. Wonder which one we’ll get? HMMMMMMM
United States Championship: Dolph Ziggler (c) vs. Kofi Kingston
-For the second time tonight Cole says the twitter hashtag is #WWEP2P even though the on-screen graphic says #RAWP2P. That’s what I like most about him….his attention to detail.
-Holy shit…the fans picked 2 out of 3 falls. I have to say apparently the WWE Universe is a lot smarter than I gave them credit for, though to be fair the Vickie stip did come in 2nd place.
-Dolph and Kofi had what may have been the best match of the night Sunday, and they are showing how comfortable they are together as they worked tonight.
-We come back from commercial and apparently there was a fall during the break? REALLY?!?! WHO’S PRODUCING THIS!?! A replay shows that Vickie distracted Kofi outside the ring which allowed Dolph to hit the Zig-Zag and roll him back in to get the pinfall. Dolph 1 – Kofi 0
-After a little more in-ring action Kofi hits the S.O.S. and gets the 2nd fall, and in a SHOCKER we have a 1-1 tie in a 2 out of 3 falls match.
-Booker: “If Kofi wins the title back tonight, that’s going to take him over the top.” Over the top to where exactly? Upper mid-card status? Isn’t he already there? I like Kofi and all, but dude has probably hit his ceiling. Prove me wrong Kofi, prove me wrong.
-Ziggler goes to get the belt to apparently hit Kofi with it and get DQed, but Kofi hits him with the Trouble In Paradise instead. Unfortunately Dolph is outside the ring so Kofi has to roll him back in. He goes for the cover and Ziggler gets his fingertips on the rope to break the pin at 2.
-They then go back outside the ring and this time Dolph manages to get DQed as he nails Kofi with the microphone. Kofi wins the match…but no title.
Winner by DQ: Kofi Kingston (Dolph Ziggler still champ)
-Post match, Dolph grabs Kofi and throws him in the ring to rub a little more salt in the wound, but gets a face full of Trouble In Paradise instead. Kofi’s music plays and we’re done here as Dolph staggers up the ramp with Vickie.
-Cole reminds us that this entire concept was made up on a whim last week by Stone Cold at the end of RAW. Again…are we really supposed to believe you came up with this concept so quickly? We get a replay for no reason of Stone Cold’s announcement/trashing of RAW GM’s computer. Why am I seeing this again?
-Next match is the Triple Threat to determine the #1 contender. Stipulations are No DQ, Falls Count Anywhere, and Submission. These three can make any of those matches awesome. Let’s do this!
-Shawn Michaels graphic shows that he’s on RAW next week. WWE seems to be pulling out all the stops for some ratings.
#1 Contender Triple Threat Match
-Alberto Del Rio has to suffer the indignity of an English speaking ring announcer giving him a shitty intro. Get well soon Ricardo!!!
-ADR cuts a quick promo on his destiny to become the WWE Champion…but you already knew that (ZING!) Del Rio’s smile at the end of his promos always gets me. So good.
-I swear if Rey Mysterio wins this match I’m going to lose it.
-Falls Count Anywhere is our stipulation which is…another solid choice by the WWE Universe. Fans are actually holding their own, assuming this isn’t rigged, which it probably is.
-Some fantastic triple threat action as all three get in some creative offense. Rey goes for the “Double 619″ but not only does ADR stand up, but Punk catches him. THIS IS WHAT I LIKE TO SEE! REY MYSTERIO NOT WINNING!
-Endgame: Rey has ADR down and hits a splash from the top. He goes for the cover, but it’s broken up by Punk who knocks Rey out of the ring. Punk then covers Del Rio and gets the win. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Winner and new #1 Contender: CM Punk
-Postmatch Punk cuts a promo on July 17th (Money in the Bank PPV) being a historic night because he will defeat John Cena for WWE Championship.
-Punk then says it’s time for the honesty he promised last night. He says that July 17th is the day his contract with WWE ends. He says on the 18th he’s leaving. He then says he’s leaving with the WWE Championship. We’ve all heard the rumors about Punk’s contract, but let’s hope that this is fully just an angle and not one of those “write him off as his contract expires” kind of thing that Jericho does whenever he leaves.
UPDATE: Via CM Punk’s Twitter – “I knew I was gone at the beginning of the year. I just woke up one day and I knew. That’s the way I work a lot of the time. Come say goodbye on July 17th. I promise to go out with a bang. Trust me. XxX”
Punk always seems to shoot pretty straight on his twitter (which you should follow, it’s great) so this could the end for a bit for one of the best guys in WWE….or he could be having some fun with us. We shall see.
-Our next match will be between Cody Rhodes and Daniel Bryan and will be either a Paper Bag Match, No Count Out Match or Collegiate Rules Match. I have no idea how the first and last one really work, but this should be…interesting I guess?
Cody Rhodes vs. Daniel Bryan
-No count out is the stipulation for the match, and since these guys are both pretty good in the ring it should be another good one.
-Crowd seems a little spent after the triple threat match, which sucks because these guys are putting together a good match.
-A solid match ends as the two guys roll each other up a couple of times, but Bryan gets the best one as he gets the three count and the win.
Winner via pinfall: Daniel Bryan
-After the match Cody isn’t happy and tries to attack Daniel Bryan, but gets locked in the Labell lock instead. Ted Dibiase comes out to make the save I guess and they beat the shit out of Bryan and put a bag over his head as he is laid out in the ring. Maybe a Money in the Bank RAW match feud?
-They show a “first look” at some new USA show, “Suits.” They then announce the next match…and I use that term loosely. Next we’ll have a dance competition between Vickie Guerrero and whatever announcer the audience wants to get involved in this bullshit. In a related story up next I will possibly gouge out my eyes.
Kill Me Now Featuring Vickie Guerrero
-Vickie apparently gets to dance first before we even know who her opponent is. She cuts a promo saying that she’s studied dancing for 15 years. She’s an expert in many different styles including “exotic, ” and her stage name was “Peaches.” I feel like I know where this is going and I’m not going to like it.
-Vickie then does a “sexy” dance and she kisses Matt Striker (who is presiding over this bullshit). This is the worst thing I’ve ever seen. I cannot unwatch this.
-Audience fucks up for the first time tonight as they pick Michael Cole to dance against Vickie. Cole does some disco moves and makes an ass out of himself. King and Booker laugh hysterically. WHY THE FUCK AM I WATCHING THIS?!?!
-Cole and Vickie get booed mercilessly during the “who won” portion of the contest. Cole wins on account of getting louder boos. He then decides to celebrate and Vickie bitchslaps him. He takes it like a champ and sells it like he got shot in the face. Thankfully this is the end of this segment. I somehow maintained my sanity.
-The next match will be the 6-man tag match and here are your options. One fall to finish, 20 minute time limit, Elimination Match. Wait, wait, wait. Are you kidding me? One fall to a finish is a NORMAL FUCKING MATCH! And who would vote for a TIME LIMIT MATCH? SERIOUSLY?!?!
6-Man Tag Team Main Event
-Greatest exchange ever.
Cole: “Christian has a beef after what happened last night.”
Booker: “Christian has NO BEEF!”
Cole: “Christian’s foot was under the rope and the ref made the wrong call. He got screwed in his match for the World Heavyweight Title.”
Booker: “Well Christian had a gripe…”
This is why Booker T is amazing on commentary. He completely contradicts himself within about two sentences.
-In a STUNNER the fans picked Eliminaton Match as the stipulation instead of the other two which would have resulted in a NORMAL MATCH. Glad to see the WWE was rigging that vote without actually rigging that vote.
-We start the match and I would bet copious amounts of money that Cena and Orton will be the last two standing in this match. Or Cena by himself. Either way. There is no way Cena is getting pinned in this match.
-Standard tag team fare where the heels pretty much dominate with no eliminations early. Orton plays the victim for the most part as R-Truth holds him in a sleeper for awhile until he uses his last bit of strength to slam him to the mat. Unfortunately Truth makes a tag to Christian before RKO could make a tag to Cena.
-Alex Riley fulfills his Manifest Destiny to be the first person eliminated as Christian pins him following a Skull Crushing Finale from the Miz. That will probably be the last pinfall the face team gets hit with in this match. Though to be honest…
HOW ARE CENA AND ORTON GOING TO OVERCOME THE 3-ON-2 ADVANTAGE?!?! /sarcasm
-They show a commercial for Friday Night SmackDown! where they pretend that you apparently aren’t watching RAW and don’t know what happened at the PPV Sunday. “Who is the World Heavyweight Champion?” Who is the genius who thought that promo was a good idea to run DURING a RAW where SmackDown superstars would be involved? WWE usually has first rate promos and production value, but this is a BIG FAIL.
-Some shit happens, Cena hits the five knuckle shuffle. Then Miz hits some move on Cena that he NEVER finishes people with, but the announcers act like it was the most amazing thing ever when Cena kicked out. “He’s finished many superstars with that move.” Really? WHEN WAS THIS?!?!
-King says, “I don’t like to admit it but [the heels] are in complete control.” They’re doomed.
-After some more tag team shenanigans, Cena hits the AA on The Miz and we have our second elimination. We now have two men on each side. Cena eliminating the Miz was “miraculous.” HE DOES THIS SHIT EVERY WEEK! THIS IS NOT AMAZING ANYMORE!
-Orton checks in long enough to nail R-Truth with the RKO. Truth is pinned and eliminated. Christian then immediately hits the spear on Orton and eliminates him, and now we’re down to Cena and Christian.
-Christian celebrates pinning Orton, and forgets about Cena. Cena grabs him and goes for the AA, but Christian grabs the ropes and escapes. Orton then slides back in and RKO’s Christian. Cena locks up the STF and Christian taps.
Winner: John Cena (OMG REALLY?!?! NEVER SAW THAT COMING!)
-Post match none of the announcers mention how Orton cheated like a mother-fucker by RKOing Christian after he was eliminated. All they say is, “Christian was so busy celebrating he forgot about John Cena.” Um, he actually got out of the AA before he was illegally RKOed by an eliminated Orton. There’s your lesson kids…
“Cheating is ok as long as John Cena wins”
Ugh. Overall a fun episode of RAW with a lot of good moments and developments. Unfortunately it ends like pretty much every RAW does…with John Cena winning and announcers freaking out. Sigh….