In the wake of the worst economic catastrophe in American history since the Great Depression, concerns over the nation’s global supremacy began to emerge in the minds of people.  To us, the primary contenders for America’s heavyweight title are the juggernauts China and Japan- prior to their recent calamity.  Although we perpetually deceive ourselves that the Asian-invasion is not authentistic, the reality is, America truly is f*cked.  However, Asia’s eminent victory over America will not come from monetary wealth, heavy artillery, or biological infestation- as quoted by the comedian, Russell Peters, “you can run from us [Asians] now, but sooner or later, we’re going to hump you.”  What ultimately will gut this country from the inside-out is something far more dreadful.  Its name is Pedobear…

After years of analyzation and research, Japanese scientists eventually deciphered the true meaning behind the popular saying, “Children are the future.”  They hypothesized that if children were to no longer exist, the probability of a sustainable future would be unlikely. With this crucial information in hand, they biologically constructed Pedobear, a kryptonite to children.

Superficially, Pedobear is adorable, but cognitively he is destructive (destructively adorable!), making him the perfect weapon.  Within just a few years of his implementation into American society, havoc has ensued.

There is a method to his madness.
First, seek out and eliminate the competition, by exposing them to the public.  In this particular case, by garnering attention to a registered sex offender- who so happens to be named “Dicks” (you can’t make this stuff up, folks).

Second, take control of public broadcasting

Third, incorporate self into popular children’s shows

Fourth, slowly become the center of pop-culture and fashion

Fifth, infiltrate all data-networks

Sixth, become president

Seventh, global domination

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, our future does indeed look grim, but there is hope.  Without children, we may not have a future, but then there would also be no Pedobear.  The key to survival is to discover an alternative method of advancement, while encouraging the public to stop having so many damn kids.  There have been much progress in the latter as the state of New York just recently signed into law the right to gay marriage (go gays!).
The Asian-invasion doesn’t have to occur, people; as long as we Americans are willing to wrap up our junk, their secret weapon will have no power over us.